Butt-Naked in Bhutan
by BurgerKingDrive-By
Summary: Out of nowhere, Rangiku decides to have a baby and wants Toshiro to be the father. Toshiro refuses, but that won't stop Rangiku from trying to seduce him. Will she succeed? Meanwhile, Nanao accidently becomes one of the test subjects for a new medicine Mayuri is developing. However, the side effects leave her with some prominent features that garner unwanted attention.


Rangiku laid on her stomach on the office couch as she leafed through the glossy magazine pages, humming cheerfully to herself. It was an ordinary day, with the exception being Matsumoto was finished with all her paperwork, much to the shock of her captain. Nevertheless, she had earned her break and was rightfully enjoying it.

"Say, captain" she chirped. "Where do you want to go on vacation?"

Behind her, sitting in his desk while working on his paperwork, was Toshiro, "Nowhere. I'm perfectly find spending it here in Soul Society."

"You don't want to spend it somewhere exotic?" she asked. "We could go to Bhutan. I hear they have some great hiking trails and the mythical city of Shangri-La is located there."

Toshiro rolled his eyes and groaned, "Who said anything about going on vacation together? Besides, knowing you, you'll start an international incident."

"I would not!" she protested. "You're such a boring person, captain."

"If I wanted to get in trouble for doing something stupid in a foreign country, I'd go with Renji and Ikkaku. I hear those two idiots got busted in Okinawa for brawling with some American GIs outside a strip club," he chuckled.

"They were just defending the honor of those poor girls against those barbarians," insisted Rangiku. "You would have done the same."

"As a black comedian on American TV once said, 'Never get in a fight over a hoe, especially if the other guy is packing a forty-five.'"

"Hmph! Some gentleman you are," she said, returning her attention to her magazine.

Toshiro grinned in satisfaction, as he signed off on a couple of requisition forms from his paperwork stack.

"Captain," she mused. "Have you ever thought of having children?"

"No. Why?"

Rangiku sighed, "Because I want to have a baby."

"WHAT?!" said Toshiro, his eyes bulging in shock. "Where did you get such an idiotic idea like that? Have you been reading _Cosmo_ magazine again?"

"No I haven't! You just don't understand the maternal instinct inside all women," she said, sitting up on the couch and facing him.

"The maternal what?!" responded Toshiro. "What does that even mean?"

"Never mind. I should have known better than to ask you such a question."

"No, tell me. I want to know what makes you think you could be a suitable mother, when you can't even turn in your paperwork on time!"

"I did today!"

"Then what about the other times, huh? What's your excuse?"

"I want to have a baby because I want someone to love, feed, and be dependent upon me."

Toshiro laughed, "Sounds like you want a pet rather than a child."

"I'm serious, captain! I want to have a baby."

Toshiro leaned back on his chair, put his feet up on the desk, and smirked, "So, who's going to be the father?"

Rangiku blushed and fidgeted, "I was thinking it would be you, captain."

"WHAT?!" he yelled, as he fell back to the floor.

"Are you nuts, Matsumoto?! Why don't you ask all those men you sleep around with if they can be the father of your child?"

"I can't. They're not responsible and intelligent as you are. Besides, they would be thinking I was tricking them into marriage," she said.

"So, you don't even want to get married? Why do you want to raise a child in such an unstable environment, anyways?" he said, while he got off the floor and sat back on his chair.

"People in the World of the Living have children out of wedlock all the time," said Rangiku, waving off her hand. "I don't see how that's a problem. In any case, both of us never knew our own parents and we turned out just fine."

"_I _turned out just fine. I can't say the same about you," retorted Toshiro. "And if you think being a single mother is ok, just take a look at the World of the Living―nothing but a disaster of undisciplined bastard children running around and an entire group of people living off the taxpayer's money. That's no way to live life."

"Fine, you can marry me if you want. I supposed it wouldn't be so bad to have a stable family structure."

Toshiro raised his eyebrow, "What makes you think I want to marry _you_?"

"Why not? I'm a great catch and you'll gained the respect of your fellow Shinigamis―something you desperately need―and they won't see you as a pitiful virgin anymore," she winked at him.

"No, thanks. I have high standards."

She glared at him, "What do mean you mean you have high standards?"

Toshiro got off his chair and walked over to the couch where Rangiku was sitting up, "Let me put it in a way your syphilis-ridden brain can understand: Which would you rather have, a brand new, unopened bottle of sake? Or a sake bottle every men in Soul Society has stuck his dick inside?"

"I―" Rangiku looked at him confused, before she fumed, "How dare you compared me like that, you stupid midget!" she delivered a vicious slap, only for Toshiro to duck just in time.

Rangiku jumped out of the couch and stood next to him. She flicked her hair back over her shoulder and put her hand on her hip, "You're just afraid you can't handle all of this!" she laughed, "You're just a child after all."

"I AM NOT A CHILD!"

"Then prove it! Plant your seed inside me and let's make a baby together."

"Never! I'm not sleeping with the town's taxi."

At that point, Rangiku took off her scarf and began wrapping it on her hands, "I tried to be nice and reasonable with you, captain. But now you leave me no choice."

She walked towards him, pulling the scarf tightly through her hands. Toshiro reached for his _katana_, but gasped. It wasn't on his hip.

"I took it from you while you worked on your paperwork," she said, smiling mischievously. "You should really take a break once in a while. Overworking is bad for your health, you know."

"I'll see that you are punished for this insolence," growled Toshiro. "You won't get away with this, Matsumoto."

"I'll have my baby. One way. Or another."

Toshiro walked back, always assuming a fighting stance, as Rangiku kept coming closer to him. Unfortunately, he slipped on a piece of paperwork that fell off from the stack on Matsumoto's desk. Rangiku quickly took this opportunity to wrap the scarf over his mouth, but Toshiro resisted and they both lost their balance and ended up falling to the floor.

He felt a warm and soft sensation covering his face, but the lack of oxygen was causing him to lose consciousness. This is not how he pictured dying, not to Matsumoto of all people.


End file.
